One moment at a time

Regulary I experience mental shit states. It makes me ‘evaluate’ my life and it makes me feel depressed. On such a moment I feel so disgusted I get the feeling I literally want to throw up. Tearyeyed I smash myself in a coach not knowing how I will get through my life or even the rest of the day. By brainstorming I try to determine the reason I feel so unhappy. There are always plenty of reasons around but none of them is really it. But am I willing to see it at that time? No, and I throw myself into the pit of hate.

I think blaming some-thing or -body is the first step of getting conscious about this bad feeling. I see the cause in another first and I can get stuck pretty easily in this blaming phase. It makes me feel powerless. I get the feeling I have to fight (for) something to change something. Because it HAS to change. It is bad. It must be eliminated. Anyone can see that and at that time I know for certain my idea about it is right. But is it? No, and I start to doubt my rage.

Analysing my own thoughts about that matter is the next step because what I blame is never the cause but rather the effect of my depressed mental state. What I believe completely influences how I see things. My mental state is my virtual reality headset I see the world with. So it is key to get out the blaming phase as fast as possible. Tools to use: knowing reality is not what I see, knowing this too shall pass and forgiveness. This is a hard one for my ego but a necessary one for me.

I don't know yo.

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After I found something to help me get through the darkness, the storm calms down, I start to regain trust in my life and forgive myself for believing I had to change things drastically (other than my thinking) to be happy. There is no plan to be happy. I don’t have to change the world. I have to take responsibility for the way I see the world and that’s it. My job is to forgive and to have fun. And the only way to do this is to take one moment at a time and trust everything is gonna be okay. The future does not exist.

Joy is not related to what you do, it is related to what you believe.

Peace.

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