Yesterday the storm from a few days ago passed and I took Yoshimi for a run. Somehow we ended on the beach. The sun was all over the place and the sea had made a massive wall in the sand. Perfect for some flips, jumps and some fun!
While spending a whole lot of time, turning the universe around, pushing the limits of what I believe I can do, meeting beautiful dogs and beautiful owners, I kept thinking about capturing an upsidedown moment.
I have a complicated relationship with taking pictures. Sometimes I try hard to stay away from it but until now I always came back to it.
Things that hold me back: Can you be in the moment if you try to look your best for a picture? Pictures are memories. Memories are made to be forgotten. Pain in a frame so to speak. So what’s the use of taking a picture of yourself?It’s not who you are anyway. It’s not even a poor reflection of who you really are. But still, I regularly feel the urge to capture the moment when I do some moves. I even force myself to push my limits if I think about getting that perfect picture. That can be unhealthy. In the past I already hurted myself a lot of times like this.
You recognize this trail of thought?
‘If I just could do that backflip or wallflip with the sun as backdrop from this perfect angle…, that would be awesome bro!’
So today I took my phone with me, pretending like it was by accident, when I took Yoshimi for a run again.
I didn’t thought there would be a chance to frame a picture because at a certain moment Yoshi got obsessed with eating grass. As I dragged her along I was a little worried the belt might break. She is not such a big dog but when she doesn’t want to move her ass she is not moving her ass.. We managed to reach the surfclub and I gave her a bit of water. I really don’t know what was going on with her but she was very agitated.
Anyway, we got to the spot with the big wall and I let her run freely. She loves that (and I love that) While Yoshimi explored the spot I did some flips and tried to get some shots of myself playing with perspective, height, sky, sand and sunbeams.
Suddenly I realised I couldn’t see Yoshi no more. I shouted her name but there was no black moving spot to be seen. Shit! I shouted again and I saw her funny head popping out from behind some dunes, with grass… She was still eating grass… I shouted once more and there she was. ‘Good dog’ I told her ‘or should I say good sheep?’. She didn’t answer.
When I look at myself on my phone screen afterwards and label a shot as ‘cool’ I feel very satisfied. But that kind of satisfaction doesn’t last.
Yet I do feel something pleasant, something like joy?
Can it be joy when it’s so unreal and so temporary?
Can taking a picture of yourself be joy?
Or is this a temporary escape of the idea that I’m not good enough that gives me this sensation I call ‘joy’. And is that joy? Or am I only feeling better than the one I was before, meaning I judge about good and bad, ultimately judging you and me?
You, my holy brother.
You see I’m very confused about this matter (and about the grass eating). Luckily I have this one thing that gives me strength.
Something that’s not bound by body, not bound by time, not bound by circumstances or property.
I call this one thing my iphone.
Lol, no. My iPhone is great though ^^ I used it to google the grass eating behaviour of Yoshi and they said it’s natural so I let her graze.
That one thing that gives me strength is forgiveness.
Thank you for forgiveness.
It makes me feel light.
It makes me feel loved and free.
Achievements don’t matter.
My body doesn’t matter.
Pictures don’t matter.
It’s not good or bad.
It means nothing.
And you are